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September 27, 2012

in order to grieve, one must be able to feel. and one must be given space, or claim the space to do so.

i find that because i work in hospice, perhaps, i understand this more than most people.  i also find that because i work in hospice, there is the assumption that i do not feel grief. this is a fallacy.

grief happens. it happens with any life changing event. it can happen when one changes jobs, residences. i can happen with a relationship breakup, it can happen when one gets married. i can happen with letting go, willingly, or not so willingly of routines, places and people. i can happen with trauma. it is something that i see everyday and i also do experience this in my work. i cannot have a relationship with someone and then have the relationship end and not feel something.

in my experience, grief is not something that people acknowledge unless there is a bodily death in the community. in my opinion, grief is something that people prefer to have remain in a closet because we are all supposed to be happy, and so “spiritually” advanced that nothing can touch us emotionally. this i call death, the death of self, because one cannot actually feel the emotions that are associated with the above situations. and if one cannot feel the emotions associated with life, well, in my opinion you might as well be dead.

and so i prefer to remain alive and feeling everything that i experience whether others appreciate that or not. people may be  unconscious, because they are so focused on themselves, because they, themselves, choose not to feel because it will open the flood gates to all the feelings that have been denied, or not dealt with, or because they are so disconnected with their bodies/feelings that they actually dont feel anything. i dont buy into the idea of transcending what i experience here on earth because it will make me more “spiritual”. i choose to experience this human life with the pain as well as the joy.

and this is with me now, as i have let go of dance, something that i have always loved to do, i have let go of the community associated with the dances where i used to go, and i have let go of both because of trauma i have experienced in the dance community. i have changed residences in the past year, i am now having to change my work schedule and after years of working in the same space, this too is changing. so i am honoring myself, my feelings, my grieving. i am taking good care of myself and listening to what my body and emotions tell me. i am being with people who know how to honor me in all these changes and who truely understand what grief is. i am healing my body, as well as my emotional body.

it is a process and regardless of what i am told or see others do, i choose to listen to what i really need now. i have had many great examples and teachings of how to do this from people i see in my work, and those i work with. i wish this much for all.




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